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Neil Before Me/Script
Nice Peter: I'm the main white man everyone knows. EpicLLOYD: And I make shitty jokes! Nice Peter: And this is Total Drama ERB! EpicLLOYD: Where stupidity calls himself a carrot. Nice Peter: Last time, our characters experienced the merge for the first time. ...not much has changed, though. In a challenge to convince Obama and Romney why they should stay, characters pretty much formed their own little groups, most of which involved people who were already on the same teams. ...kinda sad, really. Ultimately, Adolf Hitler failed to convince them, and he was shoved off to see, leaving Darth Vader remarkably upset. EpicLLOYD: Oh, and also, Goku was replaced with a clone of himself, who is a lot more compliant....and a lot weirder. Clone Goku (off camera): Hey. Hey guys. Hey. Guys. Hey. EpicLLOYD: Ugh...what? *Hulk Hogan pans the camera over to Clone Goku.* Clone Goku: ...wanna do the Kaka-Trot? Nice Peter: ...here on Total Drama ERB. Clone Goku: Cha cha cha... EpicLLOYD: Please don't tell me this is gonna be a reoccurring thing. *The scene cuts to the merge house one afternoon. Everyone is scattered around doing their own thing. Michael Jordan is playing Shaq Fu, Muhammad Ali is training in his room, Edgar Allan Poe is up in his room writing new poems, Adam and Eve are making out in Eve's room, Cleopatra is combing her hair in the bathroom (she has been, for the last 2 hours...), Napoleon Dynamite is in the kitchen drawing on paper, and everyone else is out doing their own thing.* Al Capone: *enters the kitchen and quickly snatches up the drawing* Whatcha got there, nerd? Napoleon Dynamite: Ugh, dangit! Give that back. Al Capone: ...what the hell am I looking at? Napoleon Dynamite: I said give it back!! Al Capone: Wait, wait...is this...Miley Cyrus? Dude...you REALLY are in love with here, aren't you? Napoleon Dynamite: Give. It. Back. Al Capone: You're a wimp now. Maybe if you still had your suit, I'd be afraid, but you don't have it. You're nothing. And now, I have a picture of your girlfrie...uhh... *Clone Goku pops up from between the two of them, making a rather derpish face while just glancing back and forth between them.* Al Capone: ...who let Carrot Top in? Hulk Hogan: Sorry, we let ourselves in. *Hulk Hogan and Macho Man head into the house, dropping a large case of beer onto the table. Hulk Hogan pulls up a chair and begins chugging a glass.* Macho Man: Hope you brothers don't mind. Napoleon Dynamite: I can't drink! I'm still in high school! Hulk Hogan: No one is asking you to. We're just making ourselves at home. Justin Bieber: *enters the kitchen* ''Whoa, what's up with the Three Musclehead-teers? Clone Goku: PB&JP guy doesn't have anything for any of us still. Justin Bieber: Wait, what? Who? ''*The scene cuts to Nice Peter in his office.* Nice Peter: Seriously? No one? JP Morgan (over the phone): No one. I've been making calls constantly, nonstop, and have gotten nothing. Nice Peter: It's been a week, Morgan. An entire week. And you have everyone in history to call. Surely someone has to have had said yes. JP Morgan (over the phone): I really wish I could say someone has. But for the last week, all I've been getting is people saying no. Nice Peter: Well...alright. Thank you for trying, Morgan. You've been a great help, really. I'm sorry we've been running you to the ground. It's just, without challenges, our ratings will plummet, and we'll have nothing for these kids to do. JP Morgan (over the phone): I know, I'm looking into this as much as I can. Nice Peter: Thank you. I'll see what we can do for now. *hangs up* *The scene cuts back to the merge house. Everyone has gathered around the kitchen table, except for Darth Vader and Neil deGrasse Tyson.* '' Michael Jordan: So...we don't have any challenges? Hulk Hogan: Not until JP Morgan plans something, brother. Until then, enjoy your time off while you can. You guys have earned it. All 10 of you. Eve: 10? Wait, aren't there 11 contestants left? Hulk Hogan: Umm...let's see...Adam, Eve, nerd, Egyptian, mobster, basketball, boxer, emo, baby...and then there's Vader somewhere around here, don't know where he went. So, yeah, 10. Adam: Wait, what about Neil? Hulk Hogan: Neil? Adam: Neil deGrasse Tyson? Big black guy, kinda out there, my best friend, Ali is scared of him... Hulk Hogan: I think I remember him. Didn't he get voted off last? Justin Bieber: No, that was Adolf Hitler. I remember, he called me a Nazi. Hulk Hogan: Really? But I haven't seen him since, so I assumed he was eliminated. Adam: He got immunity for that challenge, though. Hulk Hogan: Huh. Adam: ...wait, I haven't seen him since the last challenge either. ...have any of you guys? Eve: Nope. Justin Bieber: Nuh-uh. Napoleon Dynamite: No. Edgar Allan Poe: The answer is no, this answer from Poe. Michael Jordan: No. Muhammad Ali: NO! I said no first! Michael Jordan: No you didn't! Shut up! Clone Goku: Carrots help you see better. Al Capone: I don't pay attention to weirdos. Cleopatra: Who? Macho Man: Wow. That is strange. Clone Goku: Oh! Maybe he's playing hide and seek and he's just REALLY REALLY good at it. Adam: Has ANYONE told Peter or Lloyd that he's been missing. EpicLLOYD (via intercom): No, but because we're recording everything you're saying, we just overheard everything. EVERYONE! IT'S MOTHERFUCKING CHALLENGE TIME AGAIN! ''*The scene cuts to in front of the docks, everyone aside from Darth Vader and Neil deGrasse Tyson being present.* Nice Peter: Alright, so. As you might've noticed, Neil deGrasse Tyson has been missing. For a long while now. A week, in fact. And we've also been having trouble with getting a challenge going. Al Capone: Yeah, yeah. We already know. We JUST talked about it. EpicLLOYD: Well, Pete and I just found out from you guys, and we came up with a brilliant idea for the next challenge. Nice Peter: A search for Neil. Adam: ...a search for...Neil? Nice Peter: Yes. You guys have the entire day to look for Neil on this island. Cleopatra: What a boring challenge. EpicLLOYD: I suppose, but a hide and go seek challenge is better than nothing. The first person to find Neil wins the challenge and earns invincibility from elimination tonight. Clone Goku (to Hulk Hogan): I knew he was playing hide and seek! Muhammad Ali: What if none of us find him? There's always the chance that he, you know...left the island? Michael Jordan: Don't be stupid!! How could he have left? And you better not stop talking about that cosmos bullshit again. Muhammad Ali: You wanna go? I'll more than prove to all of you that I've been right this whole time!! Michael Jordan: Hah! I really doubt that, Fabio. Cleopatra: Ugh, I really don't even care anymore. Who cares about finding him anyways? Adam: I do. He's my friend. Cleopatra: Hmph. Like you're one to talk about good choices you make in friends. Eve: Oh, back off, Cleo. I'm sick and tired of you getting on Adam for every single thing he does. Cleopatra: ...whatever you say. Nice Peter: Anyways, if you're all done bickering, the challenge starts...NOW! *The scene cuts to sometime later in the woods Adam and Eve wandering through it alone.* Adam: Heh... So, uhh...we're all alone together. Here. In the woods. Alone~ Eve: *rolls eyes* Just focus, hun'. Adam: Sorry... *They continue on, searching through the forest, before hearing the sound of someone wandering the forest. Eve quickly pulls Adam behind a tree and they peak out to see Darth Vader walking by.* Adam: *whispering* What's he doing here...? Eve: *whispering* ''Searching for Neil, duh... Adam: ''*whispering* ''But he wasn't with us when we were going over the challenge... He shouldn't know about it... ''*Darth Vader turns towards the direction Adam and Eve are in, seeing nothing as they stay still behind the tree. He shrugs it off before continuing on. Adam and Eve follow after him for a while before they find him coming across a building hidden deep in the forest. He gets ready to open it before suddenly Adam steps out.* Adam: HEY! Vader! What're you doing out here? *Eve sighs and steps out beside Adam, glaring at him.* Darth Vader: ?! *quickly stops and turns around* I should be asking the same of you. Adam: We've got a challenge going on, of course. Neil deGrasse Tyson is missing, we're all out searching for him... Now, what're you doing? Darth Vader: What do you think? I'm looking for Neil as well. I was told about it by Cleopatra after everyone had gathered together. I was preoccupied by the bathroom at the time, so I was unable to attend. Adam: ...alright, then. But what's the building for? Darth Vader: Like I'm supposed to know. I assumed Neil was hiding in here. Adam: Well...open it and find out. *Darth Vader pauses for a bit, hesitating for some reason, before turning to open it. The door opens slowly, and the three finding the building to be completely empty save for some lab equipment and a Delorean parked in a corner.* '' Eve: Well, alright, I suppose Neil isn't here. Let's move on elsewhere, Adam. Adam: ...right. See ya, Darth Vader. ''*Adam and Eve leave. Darth Vader glares into the empty, room, studying for a while, before slamming the door shut and walking in another direction. Cleopatra steps out from behind a tree, glaring in Adam and Eve's direction.* (Confessional) Cleopatra: I've still got my eye on Adam. I know it's been a week, but he still has the promise on me that he'll throw the challenge. If he doesn't, I swear to Ra, I will make every minute of his life miserable. The sooner he's out, the better. Once Adam and Eve are split up, Eve will be in too much of a wreck to want to continue, like Mr. T and Lady Gaga. Eve will throw a challenge to be with Adam, assuring my place in the game even more... *The scene cuts to Edgar Allan Poe and Napoleon Dynamite exploring the woods* Napoleon Dynamite: Well this is no fun... Edgar Allan Poe: I know, this is lame; this isn't even a real game! Napoleon Dynamite: I wish I had a liger…I think they’re pretty fast. That way I could do this faster... Edgar Allan Poe: What is this liger of which you speak? It sounds like some fantastic mythical beast. Napoleon Dynamite: It’s a cross between a lion and a tiger…they’re pretty sweet if you ask me. Edgar Allan Poe: That does seem pretty…why, what the hell is that in the sky? *Edgar Allan Poe and Napoleon Dynamite look up in the sky to see a gigantic, odd, glowing blurry object surrounded in a faint purple* Napoleon Dynamite: Looks like a galaxy to me. Gosh…never thought I’d see one like this… *the scene cuts to Muhammad Ali and Michael Jordan at the top of a hill* Muhammad Ali: How do you explain THAT, Mr. “Tyson isn’t magic” man? Michael Jordan: Some sorta cloud. Muhammad Ali: The only cloud is the one in your head preventing you from seeing Tyson did this! Michael Jordan: I think the one with something in their head is you…and it ain’t a brain. Muhammad Ali: Look over there! *a giant sphere like object which closely resembles Jupiter begins to morph onto the sky* Muhammad Ali: Checkmate, bitch! Michael Jordan: More like check your brain, bitch! *The scene cuts to Justin Bieber in Peter’s office, looking though some papers* Justin Bieber:…where’s Napoleon’s contract thing? *Clone Goku bursts into the door with a stork sitting on his head like a nest and a beaver in his hands* Clone Goku: What’re you doing? Justin Bieber: I think I should be asking that. Clone Goku: I’m being a nature! Justin Bieber: “A” nature? Isn’t there only one? Clone Goku: There’s lots of natures…swamps, oceans, lakes, jungles, Canadas… Justin Bieber: Canada isn’t “a nature”, it’s “a country”, dimbo. Clone Goku: I even brought your national bird, the beaver! Justin Bieber: There’s so many things wrong with that statement… Clone Goku: I thought about bringing a polar bear, but it was too big, and moose are too mean… Justin Bieber: Well I have no idea what you’re trying to say, so I’ll just go back to wo- *The beaver lunges at Justin Bieber, causing him to go unconscious, and sits on him like a nest, hissing at Clone Goku to leave* Clone Goku: Bad bird! *The stork shits on Goku, and then lets out a loud stork call, attracting more storks to him* Clone Goku: Not again…stupid duck! *The scene cuts to Adam and Eve walking towards the dock where people are tossed off. Eve sits down on a barrel, and pats one for Adam to sit on, but he looks around nervously* Adam: Eve…what if we don’t last until the final 2? Eve: Don’t be ridiculous, Adam…we’ll make it, obviously. We’re a couple, and nothing can ruin that! Adam: But what if something…or one…is out to stop us? Eve: We’ll just crush them, babe! *Eve kisses Adam on the cheek, while he stares into the distance confused* Adam: Right… *Eve looks up at the sky, noticing a giant purple spot form, and a giant, bright, object forming along with it* Eve:…holy shit…what the hell is going on? Adam: What-HOLY APPLES IN A BARREL! What even is that thing?! *A giant red dwarf (a type of star) forms above the island, blocking the view of the normal sky, and purple stuff surrounds it* Eve: Should we go look for cover? Adam: You’re asking that like it’s a second option? *the scene cuts to Nice Peter, who is talking to Bill Nye via the phone* Nice Peter: Yes, they look abnormally close…no, they don’t appear to be solid…we had Lloyd shoot off a firework at one, it just flew through it… EpicLLOYD: We wasted our only penis firework…I was saving that for the finale… Nice Peter:…what do you mean “turn it on and off again”? This is the sky we’re talking about here, not a god damn computer! Doc Brown: Great Scott! Nice Peter: I know! This is fucking disturbing! Doc Brown:…actually, I was talking about the dump I just took, but I guess this is cool too. Nice Peter: “Cool”? How are we gonna get a good shot of the island now? Doc Brown: Have you tried rebooting it? Nice Peter: REBOOTING WHAT?! Doc Brown: What about the manual? Nice Peter: I’m sorry, we don’t have any books about the cosmos hand-wait…NEIL! *A calm, booming laugh can be heard echoing the island, sounding like Neil deGrasse Tyson* Doc Brown: So…you’re rebooting Neil, now, is that it? I got just the thi- Nice Peter: Can it, Doc. *The scene cuts to Michael Jordan and Muhammad Ali climbing another hill, and upon reaching the top, find Tyson floating in midair, seemingly unconscious* Michael Jordan: Holy shit…what is this? Muhammad Ali: It’s my proof! *Neil’s eyes open, looking at Ali* Neil deGrasse Tyson: I told you I’d bring out my wrath, Ali. You see, I’m just warming up… *The gigantic red dwarf in the sky gets closer, heating up the mountain* Michael Jordan: Oh, I get it…cause that thing’s like the sun…well, fuck you. *Neil deGrasse Tyson points at various spots in the sky, causing a slight light to pop up and gradually grow closer* Muhammad Ali: Meteors! *Ali and Jordan run down the hill while dodging meteors that are aimed at Ali* Neil deGrasse Tyson: You cannot run, my friend! Muhammad Ali: I'm trying! *Muhammad Ali gets hit by a meteor, knocking him into a tree* Michael Jordan: Holy shit! Neil deGrasse Tyson: I am not done, my friend. *Neil deGrasse Tyson pulls the red dwarf closer, burning part of the hill, blocking Jordan from running* Michael Jordan: What the? *Tyson creates a black hole, which begins to suck up the hill and the red dwarf* Neil deGrasse Tyson: PREPARE TO FEEL THE WRATH OF ALL OF THE COSMO'S BEAUTY! Muhammad Ali: What did I even do to deserve this? I don't even remember! Neil deGrasse Tyson: JUNIOR! *A giant robotic arm appears from the black hole and crushes the tree, Jordan pulling Ali away just in time. The robot falls to the hill side, standing up while trying to crush Ali* Muhammad Ali: Oh yeah...I accidentally broke a robot that WASN'T EVEN YOURS! Neil deGrasse Tyson: Now for my final act...a supernova! Michael Jordan: Wait...isn't that when a star...explodes? Neil deGrasse Tyson: Correct. They're also said to have energy equal to that of the sun's amount during it's entire life span. In other words, good bye, earth... *Neil begins to produce a star about the size of the island, and it slowly grows bigger* Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mess with the cosmos, you feel it's wrath! *the robot punches the hill, causing it to begin to crumble, while Ali and Jordan hand onto a small edge that managed to survive* Michael Jordan: I just want to say...if this is how it ends...I'll be glad to know that...you're closer, and you'll die first... Muhammad Ali: Asshole! *Darth Vader appears, running the opposite way up the hill* Michael Jordan: The hell are you doing? Darth Vader: Winning this, bitch! *Darth Vader lunges onto Neil, forcing him onto the ground and removing all the cosmo things from the sky. However, Neil disappears as well* Darth Vader: What the… Nice Peter (via intercom): Well…I guess Neil is gone, and Vader, after somewhat winning, gets a free pass. I don’t know what else to say other than expect a real challenge tomorrow. EpicLLOYD: *looks at camera* Well…uh…what’s tomorrow’s challenge? What will happen with Adam and Eve? Now what? On Total Drama…ERB…yay…damn... *Hulk Hogan points the camera up at Goku, who Is being carried away by storks* Clone Goku: To Canadia! Whee! EpicLLOYD (off camera): Can Someone get him? Doc Brown (off camera): I got the tranq gun, don’t worry…